In my secret life

The streets are growing colder and I'm still walking them alone. That's not a stupid metaphor, it's the truth. I like to walk, but it gets lonely when you can't take anyone or anything with you besides yourself and your thoughts. I'm the most open person I know, but I keep so many secrets, I hide so much away. It's not that I can't share it with anyone, but I'm never able to express it so that it doesn't stay a secret. So I'm full of them. Little bits and pieces, and big ones, too, hiding away inside of me. And they come out and nag me whenever I'm outdoors, especially with the air as it is now, with a touch of frost and chilled winds and smells - smells that always manage to trigger painful memories. So many of my thoughts are mine and mine alone, and... I guess I feel like there's a big part of me that only I know of. That changed, for a while, a few years back, but then I lost the person who made me feel like I wasn't just inside of myself... And... Here I am again. Never able to break out completely. Never completely there. Always with one foot firmly, or sometimes lightly, on the ground, or the wall, or a cloud or something, inside of my secret self. My secret life.

And my god, how I miss the feeling of leaving that place, if only for a moment. It's not a bad place, but it gets so lonely...

~

I saw you this morning
you were moving so fast
can't seem to loosen my grip
on the past
and I miss you so much
there's no one in sight
and we're still making love
in my secret life

I smile when I'm angry
I cheat and I lie
I do what I have to do
to get by
but I know what is wrong
and I know what is right
and I'd die for the truth
in my secret life

hold on, hold on, my brother
my sister, hold on tight
I've finally got my orders
I'll be marching through the morning
marching through the night
moving 'cross the borders
of my secret life

I look through the paper
makes you wanna cry
nobody cares if the people
live or die
and the dealer wants you thinking
that it's either black or white
thank god it's not that simple
in my secret life

I bite my lip
I buy what I'm told
from the latest hit
to the wisdom of old
but I'm always alone
and my heart is like ice
and it's crowded and cold
in my secret life