Kjære Sven

(originalvideoen, som må sees, finnes her)

~

if you were falling
I would catch you
you need a light
I'd find a match

cause I
love the way you say "good morning"
and you
take me the way I am

if you are chilly
here, take my sweater
your head is aching
I'll make it better

cause I
love the way you call me baby
and you
take me the way I am

I'd buy you Rogaine
when you start losing all your hear
sew on patches
to all your tear

cause I
love you more than I could ever promise
and you
take me the way I am

Valium

I wish there was a way to scream in here. If I could, I would scream that your every breath used to be a gift and that your heart used to be so loud I couldn't hear the beat and that I used to want to live inside of it and I don't know how to carry this anymore, I don't know how to carry my heart, but I keep doing it, I keep stumbling around, I keep breathing, I keep opening my eyes and closing them again, but I can assure you that I don't want to anymore. Everything will always reside with you. And everything of yours used to reside with me. I will never be able to grasp why it isn't like that anymore. We knew each other. We knew each other. And you left that. You left it for... Something different. Your sheets and slates are clean. You could start anew. Leave it behind. Find something better. I can't. I know there is nothing like what you were, like what we were. And so there is no reason and there is no hope.

~

sometimes your love, it's so pretty
I just wanna sink in
and sometimes your heart looks so pretty
I just wanna live there
oh, I wish I could bottle it up
and breathe it back like valium
and sometimes your heart looks so pretty
I just wanna live there

and so, when I find a scientist to help me
and if I meet the maker of all the universe
I'll ask them why we're here and what we're here for
and I'll tell them all the stories about our little world

oh, I've been waiting
oh, I've been waiting

sometimes your love, it's so quiet
I don't even need to speak
and sometimes your heart, it's so loud
I can't even hear the beat
well, I wish I could bottle it up
and breathe it back like valium
sometimes your heart, it's so quiet
and I don't even need to speak

well, I'll find a scientist to help me
and if I meet the maker of all the universe
I'll ask him why we're here and what we're here for
and I'll tell them all the stories about our little world

oh, I've been waiting
oh, I've been waiting
oh, I've been waiting
oh, I've been waiting

oh, I wish I could bottle it up
oh, I wish I could bottle it up
oh, I wish I could bottle it up
and breathe it back like valium

Coin laundry

This song, this video, reminds me of this blog: hjartesmil

What is holding me back? Why can't I grasp it properly and then send it on its way? I want to do this, too. I want to make something and put it out there. I don't want to hide away in my shell of sleep and hurt. I need help.

~

there I was, sitting on the top
of the world in a coin laundry
well, I could have been royalty
sitting in the palace like a queen

do you have a dollar?
do you have a dollar for me?
have you got a house on a hill
and a bed for tree?

do you have a story?
do you have a story for me?
do you know the one where we all
live happily?

do you? do you?
do you? do you?

so now I'm here, sitting on the edge
throwing these stones to the long lost friends
I could have been a common thief
sitting in the dirt quite happily

do you have a dollar?
do you have a dollar for me?
maybe just an hour or two
and a pot of tea?

have you got a memory?
have you got a memory for me?
tell me about the days when you were
seventeen

do you? do you?
do you? do you?

do you have a dollar?
do you have a dollar for me?
have you got a little old house
and a lemon tree?

do you have a reason?
do you have a reason for me?
can I be the girl that you met
in a coin laundry?

can I be the girl that you met?
can I be the girl that you met?
can I be the girl that you met
in the coin laundry?

can I be the girl that you met?
can I be the girl that you met?
can I be the girl that you met
in the coin laundry?

Buildings

I know I hurt you over and over. I did my very best, I swear it. I know you gave me time, again and again and again. But I gave you time, too. And you slipped away from me. Slowly and suddenly all at once.

Dark apartments and cold floors. Bare feet. Hands wet with water.

~

he was a husband who drove his wife home
drunk, from the parties
he was a husband who drove his wife home
and in the car he would lean her head gently against
the sidedoor window
and in the bathroom he would hold her hair back and hope

saying, "oh, they build bulidings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings so tall these days..."

and in the morning she'd wake up and
crouch recollections all day, but
she would always, always wake up the next morning
he'd take one look at her and say "oh, oh, it's OK,"
and then her conscience would issue yet another last warning

saying, "oh, they build bulidings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings so tall these days..."

and she would ask for time
and she'd ask for time
and she'd ask for time
and she'd ask for time
and she would beg for time
and she'd beg for time
and call it a gift
and he would give her time
and he'd give her time
and he'd give her time
and he'd give her time
but time is not taken
and time is not given
it just sifts through its sift
but time is not taken
and time is not given
it just sifts through its sift

and would be coffee and coffee and coffee and coffee
and coffee and coffee some more
he'd go to work and she'd take a sick day and rot at the core
and by the time he came back she'd scrubbed the bathrooms
and make them smell like pine
it would be almost as if nothing had happened
and he'd give her time, oh, oh
and he'd give her time

saying, "oh, they build bulidings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings, oh
they build buildings so tall these days..."

and she would ask for time
and she'd ask for time
and she'd ask for time
and she'd beg for time
and she would beg for time
and she'd beg for time
and call it a gift
and he would give her time
and he'd give her time
and he'd give her time
and he'd give her time
but time is not taken
and time is not given
it just sifts through its sift
but time is not taken
and time is not given
it just sifts through its sift

he was a husband, drove, time, home, time, car, oh
core, core, sick day, core, coffee, core, warning, last warning
he was a husband, time, pine, scrub, scrub, bathroom
lean hair back, car, window
hope, time, give, don't they
build buildings tall these days?

Margot&the nuclear so and so's

 

I've been trying very hard to describe Margot's songs lately, to myself, to my notebook, to others...
Turns out, I can't seem to do it the way I want to. I don't know why. I'm usually very good at describing feelings, associations, memories. It's my thing, kinda. But to no avail.This band has had an impact on me, a different kind of impact. Their songs have drilled their way inside of me, sticking to some of my memories like raspberry jam, clinging to my paintings, walking my streets(head down, head up, head closed off and completly open), rushing around in my empty corridors, wailing underneath my blankets. They've made a home in my head, my heart, and now it's as if they've always been there. But that's not all. You know the feeling that a story you read or a melody you hear or some lyrics you come across - are about you, and you alone? Different pieces of your life, all blended together in a song? A line here, a line there, events, emotions, people you feel things for, united in something beautiful? Or something complete, something whole, that seems to deal with your exact and profound thoughts and feelings for a situation, as a whole? 

Well. I know that feeling. Happens to me all the time, of course. However. These songs are me. Richard Edward's voice and the way he uses it, the words, the many, many instruments torn apart and put together again, the particular sound of it, it's all... Me. It's as if my heart was put into a kind of translator and all of this pretty music came out on the other side. And I don't know why. And part of me wishes it weren't so, because I've never come across any songs that are sad in the same way as these songs - a sadness that downright depresses me, and I mean that literally, in the real sense of the word "literally". So much darkness. So many city lights and huddled forms. It's as if they're made of past and of too many memories, too many relationships, too many things to look back on, too many things lost, too much beauty, too much observation... I... Damn. I tried really hard this time, but I just can't put any of it into words, I can't explain it at all. I guess you have to be me to feel about Margot&the nuclear so and so's the way that I do. Well. I won't forget. I'll know what it all means, know it without words, until I leave this place. I suppose that's the imporant thing.

I'm cold. And you're not with me anymore.

~

I tell tales tall as cliffs

you've got a lisp

kid, those things are hard to miss

like my crippled cough

all your weekends lost by the lake

well, you said I needen't be afraid

of all those devils on the wall

that make a fella small

when he's feeling brave

they take his wine away

there were posters on the wall

I swear my mother saw

and I've been up all night

up all night

and you came well equipped

with a gun on your hip
and some poison on your lips
but when we wake up
in our make up
we'll be clean
and we won't have nowhere to be

oh, but I can't talk to you
the way I've wanted to
I've been telling lies
but I'll tell you the truth
no, I can't talk to you
the way I've wanted to
I've been telling lies
but I'll tell you the truth

and darling, I'm tired
and I should be leaving, leaving
you know I'm tired
and I should be leaving
leaving tonight

and darling, I'm tired
and I should be leaving, leaving
you know I'm tired
and I should be leaving

and you'll hang like the rest
we'll leave a noose on
the attorney's desk
take to the streets
chant like an army
and doctor up his disease

~

that's no way to live
all tangled up like balls of string
and we woke at dawn
and watched the sun glide over the hill

I just said the first

three words that popped into my head

let me off the bus

I'm tired and sore and should probably change clothes

and the circuits are blown

my woman is cold

our children are stoned and worthless

they're all waiting for you

to tell them the truth

the truth is a line

that you'll never use

and her dignity

shone so bright, like a light on a hill

and she burned for me

and no other man came near her flame

and back country song

the deafening twang of the rich white kid blues

you can own the stage

but the lights and glares will not make you real

she whispers to me

"I was meant to be free,

this life that we've built is deadly..."

and she crawls from my bed

runs a comb 'cross her head

she crawls to the train

and drives herself home

 

~

do what you like

you don't have to be nice

just pour yourself

a cup of coffee

leave anytime

you don't have to be right

you've gotta live

the best you know how

and if you love

well, that should be enough

instead it turns

your joy into sorrow

and I can't breathe

with the dust of retreat

I'm choking on

the fumes of my wayward back

my woman lied

she was a witch in disguise

and she dressed her wounds

in sackcloth and ashes

the children weep

at their dead mother's feet

her husband's drunk

a wolf in a sheepskin coat

and when we kissed

it didn't feel poisonous

and when you cried

I dried off your blue eyes

she smiles at me

as she is falling asleep

says, "we've gotta live

the best we know how to."

Funeral Blues

By W. H. Auden. This beautiful poem about loss has a structure to it - but I didn't like the original structure. I love the rhymes, but I like it better as a kind of rhymeish prose. So that's how it'll be. I found it while watching Four weddings and a funeral - terribly dull movie. I gave up and turned it off just after hearing these beautiful words(for the movie really was anything but interesting)but not before writing them down. I was taken in by them.

~

Stop all the clocks. Cut off the telephone. Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos, and with muffled drum, bring out the coffin. Let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead, scribbling on the sky the message: "he is dead". Put crepe bows 'round the white necks of the publig doves. Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my north, my south, my east and west, my working week and my sunday rest, my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. I thought that love would last forever. I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now. Put out every one. Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun. Pour away the ocean and sweep  up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Cripple and the Starfish

Dear Henrik. 

Sometimes I wonder if you're fragile. 

Madness, I suppose. Drugs. Abuse. Oblivion. Desperation. Sick hope. Intense beauty.

~

mr. muscle forsting, bursting
stingy thingy into little me, me, me
"but just ripple" said the cripple
as my jaw dropped to the ground, smile, smile

it's true I always wanted love to be
hurtful
and it's true I always wanted love to be
filled with pain

yes, so cripple-pig was happy
screamed, "I just completely love you!
and there's no rhyme or reason, I'm changing like the seasons
watch, I'll even cut of my finger
it'll grow back like a starfish!"

mr. muscle gazing boredly
and he, checking time, did punch me
and I sighed and bleeded like a windfall
happy bleedy, happy bruisy

I am very happy
so please hit me
I am very, very happy
so please hurt me
I am very happy
so please hit me
I am very, very happy
so come on and hurt me

I'll grow back like a starfish
I'll grow back like a starfish
I'll grow back like a starfish
I'll grow back like a starfish
I'll grow back like a starfish
I'll grow back like a starfish
I'll grow back like a starfish
I'll grow back like a starfish

Hope there's someone

Anxiety, fear, loneliness and insomnia cling to my evenings and nights. I try to fill them with other things as well, to balance it out a bit. I read. I write. I watch. I listen. I touch. I talk. Or I simply sit very still, trapped within my own strange habit of staying up until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. If I'm completely exhausted when my head hits the pillow, I don't have to be awake in the dark without anyone beside me for long. I don't have time to get really scared of forgetting myself while entering a dream, or being hurt while in a different world - or worse, a similar one. I don't have to be alone with my head for more than a couple of minutes. But no matter how tired I am, I always long for someone. A prescence. A warm hand. Security. Relief from solitude and hurt.

Antony's voice haunts and frightens me. It's... Not sane, somehow. But it's so lovely, too, fragile and a little out of control. Perfect.

~

hope there's someone who'll take care of me
when I die, will I go?
hope there's someone who'll set my heart free
nice to hold when I'm tired

there's a ghost on the horizon
when I go to bed
how can I fall asleep at night?
how will I rest my head?

oh, I'm scared of the middle place
between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
left in there, left in there

there's a man on the horizon
wish that I'd go to bed
if I fall to his feet tonight
will allow rest my head

so here's hoping I will not drown
or paralyze in light
and godsend, I don't want to go
to the seal's watershed

hope there's someone who'll take care of me
when I die, will I go?
hope there's someone who'll set my heart free
nice to hold when I'm tired

Wading in deeper

I'm scared of giving up. Of being beyond help.

~

the summer has ended
quietly surrendered
laying its weapons on
the ground 'round her feet
the chimes, they are calling
the leaves, they are falling
to cover this land
with their innocent lives

la la la la
wading in deeper
la la la la
up to her knees

two hands that are white
can't put up the fight
bereft of all strength
and the flames in her eyes
the infant, the damage,
the plunder, the pillage
her ruins of smoke
this river can choke

la la la la
wading in deeper
la la la la
up to her waist
la la la la
wading in deeper
la la la la
up to her waist

the fall is a'coming
closer each morning
it snarls at her heals
and breathes down her neck
a raven is calling
promethean warning
the ties to her arms
and her legs pull her down

la la la la
wading in deeper
la la la la
over her head
la la la la
wading in deeper
la la la la
over her head

To the sea

In a Katzenjammer mood today. Their energy inspires me. And I'm singing.

~

the wind is a'whipping through the open doors
speaking of the sea and the rolling waves
maybe there's a ship at the bottom now
or struggling on the surface with a cry for help
wish I could forget and let the years go by
wish I could escape from my dreams of you

twenty years ago, it was a howling storm
as the voice of a god from a great beyond
I was standing on the shore as the sky grew dark
with a hand on the bible and a hand on my heart
wish I could forget and let the years go by
wish I could escape from my dreams of you

because all I have left is the voice of the wind
blowing through the doors of our house

the sun was drying up the rain in our sky
shining gold in our sails and our hearts standing by
remember what they're singing on their way to the sea:
"goodbye, fare the well, goodbye for me"
wish I could forget and let the years go by
wish I could escape from my dreams of you

because all I have left is the voice of the wind
blowing through the doors of our house

empty were the coffins and the house where we lived
as the grave that I dug by our place on the beach
how I wish the water could be poured out of the sea
so I can go and get you back ashore with me
wish I could forget and let the years go by
wish I could escape from my dreams of you

because all I have left is the voice of the wind
blowing through the doors of our house
because all I have left is the voice of the wind
blowing through the doors of our house
(one more time)
all I have left is the voice of the wind
blowing through the doors of our house

Skins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfoWhYQfxls

This has to be the best wrap up of a season ever made. I couldn't find the video itself and embed it to, but I've put in a link to it, at least. Skins is a show that found me about a week ago. It's mine now, and I'm its. At least this season is. Beautiful.

When I listen to music outside, I'm inside of it. Inside of the story of it. Or the song is inside of my story. Or both. The season finale of Skins is like that. And the video itself is a must see. The first season itself is a must see. Explore it.

~

now that I've lost everything to you
you say you want to start something new
and it's breaking my heart you're leaving
baby, I'm grieving

but if you want to leave, take good care
hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
but then, a lot of nice things turn bad out there

oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
it's hard to get by just upon a smile
oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you just like a child, girl

you know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
and it's breaking my heart in two
because I never want to see you sad, girl
don't be a bad girl
but if you wanna leave, take good care
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
but just remember there's a lot of bad, and beware

oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
it's hard to get by just upon a smile
oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you just like a child, girl

baby, I love you
but if you wanna leave, take good care
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
but just remember there's a lot of bad, and beware

oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
it's hard to get by just upon a smile
oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl

oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
it's hard to get by just upon a smile
oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
and I'll always remember you just like a child, girl

Crucify

First Tori Amos song I ever heard.

I'm sick of guilt.

~

every finger in the room
is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
then I get afraid of what that could bring
I've got a bowling ball in my stomach
got a desert in my mouth
figures that my courage would choose to
sell out now

I've been looking for a saviour in these dirty streets
looking for a saviour beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in
just what god needs
one more victim

why do we
crucify ourselves?
every day
I crucify myself
and nothing I do is good enough for you
I crucify myself
every day
I crucify myself
my heart is sick of being
I said, my heart is sick of being in
chains

gotta kick for a dog
begging for love
I gotta have my suffering
so that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
he says, "will you ever learn?
you're just an empty cage, girl
if you kill the bird,"

I've been looking for a saviour in these dirty streets
looking for a saviour beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in
got enough guilt to start
my own religion

why do we
crucify ourselves?
every day
I crucify myself
and nothing I do is good enough for you
I crucify myself
every day
I crucify myself
my heart is sick of being
I said, my heart is sick of being in
chains

please, please
save me
I cry

looking for a saviour in these dirty streets
looking for a saviour beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in
where are those angels
when you need them?


why do we
crucify ourselves?
every day
I crucify myself
and nothing I do is good enough for you
I crucify myself
every day
I crucify myself
my heart is sick of being
I said, my heart is sick of being in
chains

Piece by piece

I'm trying to do this for real now, you know. I'm trying to let go. I'm trying so hard. Nothing has ever hurt like this hurts. Nothing. And for the first time, these lyrics are true. They're perfect. I could try to describe what they mean to me, what we meant to me, but I can't. Because if I do then I'll...

~

first of all must go
your scent upon my pillow
and then I'll say goodbye
to your whispers in my dreams

and then our lips will part
in my mind and in my heart
'cause your kiss
went deeper than my skin

piece by piece
is how I'll let go of you
kiss by kiss
will leave my mind
one at a time, one at a time

first of all must fly
my dreams of you and I
there's no point
in holding on to those

and then our ties will break
for your and my own sake
just remember
this is what you chose

piece by piece
is how I'll let go of you
kiss by kiss
will leave my mind
one at a time, one at a time

I'll shed like skin
our memories of lazy days
and fade away the shadow of your face

piece by piece
is how I'll let go of you
kiss by kiss
will leave my mind
one at a time, one at a time

Midnight Radio

Life is painful. And I've made so many mistakes. But I'm doing all right. I'm doing the best I can. And maybe I'll know that I'm whole some day.

~

rain
falls
hard
burns
dry
a dream or a song
that hits you so hard
filling you up
and suddenly gone

breathe
feel
love
give
free
know in your soul
like your blood knows the way
from your heart to your brain
knows that you're whole

and you're shining
like the brightest star
a transmission
on the midnight radio

and you're spinning
like a fourty-five
ballerina
dancing to your rock and roll

here's to Patti
and Tina
and Yoko
Aretha
and Nona
and Nico
and me
and all the strange rock and rollers
you know you're doing all right
so hold on to each other
you gotta hold on tonight

and you're shining
like the brightest star
a transmission
on the midnight radio

and you're spinning
your new fourtyfives
all the misfits
and the losers
well, you know you're rock and rollers
spinning to your rock and roll

lift up your hands
lift up your hands
lift up your hands
lift up your hands
lift up your hands
lift up your hands

Terry's song

Ashes, dust, earth. Grief. Saying goodbye. A song for a funeral, a song for sorrow, for being human, for stories, and for memories. Something I would like to say or sing to my friends if they leave this place before I do. 

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. There's an atmosphere in this song that's just completely unique. In spite of my incredibly emotional nature, it takes a lot for a song to make me cry. Just something about the changes in the chords and the haunting sound of the piano, and Bruce's beautiful voice bringing it all together, to life...

~

well, they built the Titanic to be one of a kind
but many ships have ruled the seas
they built the Eiffel Tower to stand alone
but they could build another if they please
Taj Mahal, the pyramids of Egypt
are unique, I suppose
but when they built you, brother
they broke the mold

now, the world is filled with many wonders
under the passing sun
and sometimes something comes along
and you know it's for sure the only one
the Mona Lisa, the David, the Sistine Chapel
Jesus, Mary and Joe
and when they built you, brother
they broke the mold

when they built you, brother
they turned dust into gold
when they built you, brother
they broke the mold

well, they say you can't take it with you
but I think that they're wrong
'cause all I know is I woke up this morning
and something big was gone
gone into that dark ether
where you're still young and hard and cold
just like when they built you, brother
they broke the mold

now your death is upon us
and we'll return your ashes to the earth
and I know you'll take comfort in knowing
you've been roundly blessed and cursed
but love is a power greater than death
just like the songs and stories told
and when she built you, brother
she broke the mold

bad attitude's a power stronger than death
oh, I've been burning or stone cold
when they built you, brother