Strange and beautiful

I can't even press play and face the melody and the instruments and the voice... The only song I've dreaded and feared and stayed completely away from since that time, the only song to completely cut me open and really draw out of me all the memories of all the things that don't exist anymore, and the person I was then and am not now. And the person you were... I... I don't know if you're still him; that beautiful, shy, strange, sweet, trusting, seeing, young boy... But if you are him, you're not showing it to me. I haven't seen who you are in over a year.

How you loved me. And how I loved you to love me. And how I loved you.

This used to be the other way around, didn't it? I don't know if I'll spend the next year waiting for you, or trying with all my mind to stop waiting for you. I don't want to wait. And I don't want to remember. Not when you're not coming back. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do at all.

~

I've been watching your world from afar

I've been trying to be where you are

and I've been secretly falling apart

unseen

to me, you're strange and you're beautiful

you'd be so perfect with me, but you just

can't see, you turn every head, but you don't

see me

I'll put a spell on you

you'll fall asleep

when I put a spell on you

and when I wake you

I'll be the first thing you see

and you'll realize that you love me

sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first

sometimes, the first thing you want never comes

but I know that waiting is all you can do

sometimes

I'll put a spell on you

you'll fall asleep

I'll put a spell on you

and when I wake you

I'll be the first thing you see

and you'll realize that you love me

I'll put a spell on you

you'll fall asleep

'cause I'll put a spell on you

and when I wake you

I'll be the first thing you see

and you'll realize that you love me

Last stop this town

Great train music. Sad.

~

you're dead, but the world keeps spinning
take a spin through the world you left
it's getting dark a little too early
are you missing the dearly bereft?

taking a flight, and you could be here tomorrow
taking a flight, well, you could get here tonight

I'm gonna fly on down
for the last stop to this town
- what?
I'm gonna fly on down
then fly away - well, all right
get down

taking a spin through the neighbourhood
the neighbours scream, "what'cha talking 'bout?"
cause they don't know how to let you in
and I can't let you out

what if I was not your only friend in this world?
can you take me where you're going if you're never coming back?

I'm gonna fly on down
for the last stop to this town
I'm gonna fly on down, then fly away on my way
get down

why don't we take a ride, away, up, high through the neighbourhood?
up, over the billboards and the factories and smoke

I'm gonna fly on down for the last stop to this town
- yeah!
I'm gonna fly on down and fly away on my way
fly away
get down

Border song

Couldn't find a video that wasn't crap. Tom McRae, again, been a while since last time, and then it had REALLY been a while. I guess he just comes along with the sickness. I don't really know. He always makes me think of dark waters and shadow and fire. And streetlights. Dancing. Hidden romances, suddenly lit up by passing cars, flashes on faces, feet, kisses, hands entwined. Pain. Loss. Reflections on the surface of a dark, dirty window. And movement. Up, away...

This is us. And me. And you. And many other stories, belonging to other people. Some of those belong to me as well, though, because I can see, feel and hear those like my own.

~

she lies still
her eyes on fire
undressed to kill
and untethered in time
and in the arms
of a stranger
you search
for someone like her

and the music carries on
in a simple border song
you once knew

people like you
they come and they go
what's left to say
we already know
and we've danced
these shoes to pieces
and we've stood
where no one has stood

and the music carries on
in a simple border song
you once knew

and I guess I've said it all
and I guess I've said it all
you can climb, but you will fall
and I guess I've said it all

you will walk
you will walk
you will walk out of here
you will walk
you will walk
you will walk out of here

and I guess I've said it all
and I guess I've said it all
you can climb, but you will fall
and I guess I've said it all

Another day

This song has been with me for so long. And I still keep it very close. The instruments work together to make something streaming, something to fill me up and flow away. Melancholy and sad little smiles. And a golden, beige-like colour, along with some sunlight and maybe a little bit of grass - or the cold, dead ground, along with a black forest. I'm not sure. But it's pretty.

~

lie to me

say that you need me

that's what I wanna hear

that is what

what makes me happy

hoping you'll be near

all this time

how could I know?

within these walls, I can feel you

another day goes by

will never know - just wonder why

you made me feel good

made me smile

I see it know, and I

can say it's gone - that would be a lie

cannot control this

this thing called love

you must think

how can this be?

you don't really know me

I can tell

this ain't the time

you'll never be mine

what can I say?

something 'bout my life

I just lost again

another day goes by

will never know - just wonder why

you made me feel good

made me smile

I see it know, and I

can say it's gone - that would be a lie

cannot control this

this thing called love

always have to move on

to leave it all behind

going along with time

another day goes by

will never know - just wonder why

you made me feel good

made me smile

I see it know, and I

can say it's gone - that would be a lie

cannot control this

this thing called love

Amanda Fucking Palmer

I've been shuffling through her blog today, reading bits and pieces and looking at the pretty pictures. Found this. I've read it before, and then I forgot it, and now I've found it again. I absolutely loved it when I read it, see. Because I miss feeling like what she describes, when waking up. I miss feeling at peace, happy. I have felt it in the past. But I'm having a hard time remembering when. She's written it so beautifully, and I guess it's kinda cute, too. And so, so true.

~

i often go to blogging in my head upon waking, and i usually never do it, but this morning i reached over and grabbed my mac, it was within arms reach.

morning head: i like this head, when everything is clear and new and things things things start filtering in one by one. first the magic, then the mundane.

i treated myself to this hotel room in portland after lots of relative bed-and-couch crashing.

i move my legs around in the king-size bed, feeling very lucky to exist at all, not knowing anything yet.

left leg works, rubs against sheet.

right leg works, rubs against sheet.

whole body stretches out and feels gloriously enveloped.

things, facts.

i’m in portland.

i don’t have anything to do today but catch up.

i’ll drink coffee.

i love coffee.

the coffee here is good coffee.

this pillow is soft.

i love neil.

his voice sent me off to bed, i remember now.

i remember how.

construction sounds outside.

the blinds are open.

what time is it?

this pillow is soft.

maybe i’ll blog about this.

maybe i’ll sit all day in powell’s bookstore and not work.

maybe i’ll go back to sleep.

because i can.

this pillow is wonderful.

should get a pillow like this.

soft soft pillow.

what would i do with it?

i can’t carry around a pillow like this everywhere.

i live out of a suitcase.

and

that’s the evil moment: that’s when the truth caves things in.

mornings are amazing alone, like this. mornings are also amazing together. there’s that wonderful thing that happens when you’re in love and you wake up next to Them and your brain hasn’t clicked into it’s Self yet and you just become a vessel, a thing that pours love. my instinct, upon waking, to love something. but mornings are amazing alone - the body and the mind can snake around improvisational, making weird things in silence.

then the day comes, the realities materialize, and mundane takes over. the magic might only last twenty seconds, sometimes even less.

used to be when i was home in boston, especially in summer with the sun blazing through the vines in my window, i’d often have this 20 seconds of “i’m going to change my whole existence today” upon waking on an off day where i had nothing planned. i’d lie there in bed: ahhhhhh holy shit, i have nothing to do today…maybe i’ll drive to maine. pick blueberries. see ships. maybe i’ll sit in the boston public library all day and look at 17th century art. maybe i’ll go to harvard and see what it would take to enroll. maybe i’ll learn to play piano. maybe i’ll go work in a soup kitchen.

Etc.

these things would never happen.

i would go to yoga, i would read the paper, and i would spend hours and hours catching up on email and talking on the phone. that is My Life.

this is probably what i will do today.

it’s fine.

Runs in the family

Sometimes. A lot of times. Mostly, these days, actually... I feel crazy. Desperate. Sick. Insane. Unhealthy inside. There a whole lot of hurt. And a whole lot of other things that I can't really name. And I don't know where it comes from. I don't know why it's like this. I've never been diagnosed with anything, and a lot of bad stuff has happened, stuff that would make anyone depressed, stuff that would make a lesser person give up after a lot less than ten years. Stuff that's made me so lovesick, so hungry for warmth and closeness, for genuine affection and attention, for a connection, that it scares me - because it's taken a serious toll on my limits and borderlines and mostly I can't tell who or what it is that I crave with this extreme and dangerous passion. There's a monster inside of me and I don't know how to feed it, and I want to blame someone, something, anything, for putting it there. I want a reason, I want to know why, and how, and I want to scream it at the top of my lungs; that it isn't my fault, that it all just happened to me and that I reacted and caved in and collapsed and turned into something wretched and scared and needing and fragile. My strength is what did me in. I held on too long. I never should have.

I found this song while waiting for the bus last night. It grabbed hold of me. I don't think I've ever heard anything as intense as this. It captured my desperation wonderfully, gave me something to whisper fiercly to myself, to sing, to mutter, to revolve around, to think. The lyrics are nothing sort of genious to me, and the melody wraps itself around me and drags me in, paints pictures, tells stories, both my own and other peoples', and it's safe inside of it, but still not safe at all, and the monster awakens and I let the crazy take a spin and settle in (thank you, Tori) and I drown in the music and the words and love it and adore it with every bit of my crazy, crushed self. But it still fucking hurts.

~

my friend has problems

with winter and autumn

they give him prescriptions

they shine bright lights on him

they say it's genetic

they say he can't help it

they say you can catch it

but sometimes, you're born with it

my friend has blight

he gets shakes in the night

and they say that there's no way

that they could have caught it in time

time takes its toll on him

it is traditional

it is inherited

predispositional

all day, I've been wondering

what is inside of me?

who can I blame for it?
I say it runs in the family

this family that carries me

to such great lengths

to open my legs up

to anyone who'll have me

it runs in the family

I come by it honestly

do what you want

'cause who knows?

it might fill me up

my friend's depressed
she's a wreck, she's a mess
they've done all sorts of tests
and they guess it has something
to do with her grandmother's
grandfather's grandmother
civil war soldiers
who badly infected her
my friend has maladies
rickets and allergies
that she dates back to
the seventeenth century
somehow, she manages
in her misery
strips in the city and
shares all her best tricks with

me, well, I'm well

well, I mean, I'm in hell
well, I still have my health
at least that's what they tell me
if wellness is this
what in hell's name is sickness?
but business is business
and business runs in the family

we tend to bruise easily
bad in the blood
I'm telling you 'cause I
just want you to know me
know me and my family
we're wonderful folks
but don't get to close to me
'cause you might knock me up

Mary have mercy
now look what I've done
but don't blame me because
I can't help where I come from
and running is something
that we've always done well
and mostly, I can't even
tell what I'm running from
run from their pity
from responsibility
run from the country and
run from the city
I can run from the law
I can run from myself
I can run for my life
I can run into debt
I can run from it all
I can run 'til I'm gone
I can run from the office
and run from the cause
I can run using every
last ounce of energy
I cannot, I cannot
I cannot run from my family

they're hiding inside of me
corpses on ice
come in if you like
but just don't tell my family
they'll never forgive me
they'd say that I'm crazy
but they would say anything
if it would shut me up

Have to drive

Oh my god. Discovered this five minutes ago. Blew my mind.

~

I have to drive
I have my reasons, dear
it's cold outside
I hate the seasons here

I suffer mornings most of all
I feel so powerless and small
by ten o'clock, I'm back in bed
fighting the jury in my head

you learn to drive
it's only natural, dear
you drive all night
we haven't slept in years

we suffer mornings most of all
we saw you lying in the road
we tried to dig a decent grave
but it's still no way to behave

it is a delicate position
spin the bottle, pick the victim
catch a tiger, switch directions
if he hollers, break his ankles
to protect him

we'll have to drive
they're getting closer
just get inside
it's almost over

we will save your brothers
we will save your cousins
we will drive them far away
from streets and lights
from all signs of mad mankind

we suffer mornings most of all
wake up all bleary eyed and sore
forgetting everything we saw
(I'll meet you in an hour
at the car)

Blake says

So sore and tender. Gives me the chills. Makes my eyes sting a little. My god, her voice... It just breaks right through my chest and enters my heart. But that doesn't show as well in the live version...  I keep trying to form a mental picture of Blake. Keep trying to understand who he is. I've yet to succeed. Maybe some day.

~

Blake says no one ever really loved him
they just faked it to get money from the government
and Blake thinks angels grow when you plant angel dust
he shakes his head and blinks his pretty eyes

but trust me, he's no valentine
though he said he would be mine
his heart is in Alaska all the time

Blake stays under water for the most time
he collects lose change for all tomorrow's parties
and when Blake dates girls with tattoos of the pyramids
he breaks their hearts by saying it's not permanent

but in his velvet mind
he believes with all his might
we'll all go to Alaska when we die

Blake makes friends, but only for a minute
he prefers the things he orders from the internet
and Blake's been having trouble with his head again
he takes his pills, but never takes his medicine

he tells me that he's fine
and the sad thing is, he's right
and when it's two o' clock, it feels like nine

Blake says he is sorry he got through to me
if it's OK, he'll call right back and talk to the machine
Blake says it looks like acid rain today
he takes the fish inside - he's very kind that way

and just like Caroline
he doesn't seem to mind
the globe is getting warmer all the time

it's still cold in Alaska
it's still cold in Alaska

Boat Behind

Sea breeze and sun and salt. Yellow and blue and brown.The words dance around each other and skip along the froth and the foam and the waves... Kings of Convenience were very much the only real essence of this year's summer. The sun in my eyes and the wind in my hair, leaning against the window of a beat-up old car, watching the flowers and the cows, grass everywhere around me, freckles on my face. I felt beautiful, then, and I sucked the surroundings into my heart and now they are part of me.

~

so we meet again
after several years
several years of separation
moving on
moving around
did we spend this time
chasing the other's tail?

singing, "oh,
I can never belong to you
oh, I could never belong to you,"

winter and spring
summer and fall
you're a windsurfer crossing the ocean
I'm the boat behind
skiffle and rag
shuffle and waltz
you're the up-tip-toe ballerina
I'm the chorus line

singing, "oh,
I can never belong to you
oh, I could never belong to you,"

river and sea
picking up salt
through the air as a fluffy cloud
falling down as rain

oh, I could never belong to you
oh, I could never belong to you
oh, I could never belong to you
oh, I could never belong to you

She came home for christmas

 

~

don't touch her there
she's blindfolded
she remembers on the bus

into my heart
don't remember
like you left us
without notice
now you've come back
like you left us
like you owe us
into my heart

it's not me
it can't be
it's not you
I can't do
what I do
if it's you
this is not happening

don't touch her there
she told me
she remembers how it was

into my heart
don't remember
like you left us
without notice

it's not me
it can't be
it's not you
I can't do
what I do
if it's you
this is not happening.

come home
come home

it's not me
it can't be
it's not you
I can't do
what I do
if we're through
this is not happening

don't touch her there
he watched her
she knew his look from behind
when she came home for christmas

One more time with feeling

I'm so tired of being sick...

~

your stitches are all out
but your scars are healing wrong
and the helium balloon
inside your room has come undone
and it's pushing up at the ceiling
and the flickering lights it cannot get beyond

oh, everyone takes turns
now it's yours to play the part
and they're sitting all around you
holding copies of your chart
and the misery inside their eyes
is synchronized, reflecting into yours

hold on, one more time with feeling
try it again, breathing's just a rythm
say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
this is why we fight
this is why we fight

you thought by you'd be
so much better than you are
you thought by now they'd see
that you had come so far
and the pride inside their eyes
would synchronize into a love you'll never know
so much more than you can show

hold on, one more time with feeling
try it again, breathing's just a rythm
say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
this is why we fight
this is why we fight

Mother

For me, this song has always been about an arranged marriage, or something very much like that, or, simply the thought of all the scary things that come along with marrying somebody. Parts of it feels like it's about a girl who's one of many brides belonging to one man. Lots of it's simply fragility and strength tied together. And red lips. And snow. Couldn't find a decent video with the full song, but here's one with a piece of a great Tori Amos interview and half the song.

~

go, go, go, go now
out of the nest, it's time
go, go, go now
circus bird without a safety net
here, here, now, don't cry
you raised your hand for the assignment
tuck those ribbons under
your helmet, be a good soldier

first my left foot
then my right behind the other
pantyhose running in the cold

mother, the car is here
somebody leave the light on
green limousine for the redhead
dancing, dancing girl
and when I dance for him
somebody leave the light on
just in, just in case I like the dancing
I can remember where I come from

I walked into your dream
and now I've forgotten
how to dream my own dream
you are the clever one, aren't you?
brides in veils for you
we told you all of our secrets
all but one, and don't you even try
the phone has been disconnected

dripping with blood
and with time and with blood
poison me against the moon

mother, the car is here
somebody leave the light on
black chariot for the redhead
dancing, dancing girl
he's gonna change my name
maybe you'll leave the light on
just in, just in case I like the dancing
I can remember where I come from

I escape into
your escape into
our very favourite fearscape
it's across my heart and
across the sky and
I cross my legs
oh my god

first my left foot
then my right behind the other
breadcrumbs lost under the snow

oh, mother
oh, mother, the car is here
maybe, maybe you'll leave the light on
for the, for the, for the dancing girl
he's gonna change my name
maybe you'll leave the light on
just in case I like the dancing
I can remember where I come from

mother, mother, mother

I won't say I'm in love

Ah, I love this. Always makes me burst into song, even though my voice isn't nearly as strong, nor as rich as the one of the lovely Megara. Christmas is a time for old disney favourites! I just need to find someone to watch them with.

~

if there's a price for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
no man is worth the aggravation
that's ancient history - been there, done that

who d'you think you're kidding?
he's the earth and heaven to you
try to keep it hidden
honey, we can see right through you
girl, you can't conceal it
we know how you feel
and who you're thinking of

oh, no chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
you swoon, you sigh
why deny it, oh-oh?
it's too cliché
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
it feels so good when you start out
my head is screaming, "get a grip, girl!
unless you're dying to cry your heart out,"

you keep on denying
who you are and how you're feeling
baby, we're not buying
hon, we saw you hit the ceiling
face it like a grownup
when you gonna own up
that you've got, got, got it bad?

oh, no chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
give up, give in
check the grin, you're in love
this scene won't play
I won't say I'm in love

you're way off base, I won't say it
get off my case, I won't say it
girl, don't be proud
it's OK, you're in love
at least out loud
I won't say I'm in love

Fairytale of New York

Yes, I've done this song before, exactly one year ago, to be accurate, but it's December 1st and it needs to be here. Yeah, 'cause it's the one year anniversary of this blog today. And what a year! It's been maybe 85/15 percent hell/heaven, if I'm going to be really black/white about it. But it's been nice to have this little shelter where I'm allowed to pour other peoples words out of my own heart.

Well, like I said, it's December 1st, and only 24 days 'til christmas. And this is one of my true loves when it comes to christmas songs. The moods and the voices and the lovely, lovely music - fantastic use of instruments, and that magical feeling of snow and beautiful lights and winter romance. Me and this song, well, we don't really go way back - we go back maybe three years or so - but we're deeply in love with each other, and we meet every December and spend as much time together as possible until christmas is over. And then, we part, and miss each other and wait for next year, and the day we get to reunite and love one another. It's hard, but it's worth it, because we know that we don't belong together at any other time than christmas.

The words hit me like gentle stabs to the chest, and I dream.

~

it was christmas eve, babe

in the drunk tank

an old man said to me,

'won't see another one,'

and then he sang a song;

"the rare old mountain dew"

I turned my face away

and dreamed about you

got on the lucky one

came in eighteen to one

I've got a feeling

this year's for me and you

so, happy christmas

I love you, baby

I can see a better time

when all our dreams come true

they've got cars big as bars, they've got rivers of gold

but the wind goes right through you, it's no place for the old

when you first took my hand on a cold christmas eve

you promised me broadway was waiting for me

you were handsome - you were pretty, queen of New York city

when the band finished playing, they howled out for more

Sinatra was swinging, all the drunks, they were singing

we kissed on the corner, then danced through the night

the boys for the NYPD choir were singing Gallway Bay

and the bells were ringing out for christmas day

you're a bum, you're a punk - you're an old slut on junk

lying there, almost dead on a drip in that bed

you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot

happy christmas your arse, I pray god it's our last

the boys for the NYPD choir still singing Gallway Bay

and the bells were ringing out for christmas day

I could have been someone

well, so could anyone

you took my dreams from me

when I first found you

I kept them with me, baby

I put them with my own

can't make it all alone

I've built my dreams around you

the boys for the NYPD choir still singing Gallway Bay

and the bells were ringing out for christmas day