Sometimes. A lot of times. Mostly, these days, actually... I feel crazy. Desperate. Sick. Insane. Unhealthy inside. There a whole lot of hurt. And a whole lot of other things that I can't really name. And I don't know where it comes from. I don't know why it's like this. I've never been diagnosed with anything, and a lot of bad stuff has happened, stuff that would make anyone depressed, stuff that would make a lesser person give up after a lot less than ten years. Stuff that's made me so lovesick, so hungry for warmth and closeness, for genuine affection and attention, for a connection, that it scares me - because it's taken a serious toll on my limits and borderlines and mostly I can't tell who or what it is that I crave with this extreme and dangerous passion. There's a monster inside of me and I don't know how to feed it, and I want to blame someone, something, anything, for putting it there. I want a reason, I want to know why, and how, and I want to scream it at the top of my lungs; that it isn't my fault, that it all just happened to me and that I reacted and caved in and collapsed and turned into something wretched and scared and needing and fragile. My strength is what did me in. I held on too long. I never should have.
I found this song while waiting for the bus last night. It grabbed hold of me. I don't think I've ever heard anything as intense as this. It captured my desperation wonderfully, gave me something to whisper fiercly to myself, to sing, to mutter, to revolve around, to think. The lyrics are nothing sort of genious to me, and the melody wraps itself around me and drags me in, paints pictures, tells stories, both my own and other peoples', and it's safe inside of it, but still not safe at all, and the monster awakens and I let the crazy take a spin and settle in (thank you, Tori) and I drown in the music and the words and love it and adore it with every bit of my crazy, crushed self. But it still fucking hurts.
~
my friend has problems
with winter and autumn
they give him prescriptions
they shine bright lights on him
they say it's genetic
they say he can't help it
they say you can catch it
but sometimes, you're born with it
my friend has blight
he gets shakes in the night
and they say that there's no way
that they could have caught it in time
time takes its toll on him
it is traditional
it is inherited
predispositional
all day, I've been wondering
what is inside of me?
who can I blame for it?
I say it runs in the family
I say it runs in the family
this family that carries me
to such great lengths
to open my legs up
to anyone who'll have me
it runs in the family
I come by it honestly
do what you want
'cause who knows?
it might fill me up
my friend's depressed
she's a wreck, she's a mess
they've done all sorts of tests
and they guess it has something
to do with her grandmother's
grandfather's grandmother
civil war soldiers
who badly infected her
my friend has maladies
rickets and allergies
that she dates back to
the seventeenth century
somehow, she manages
in her misery
strips in the city and
shares all her best tricks with
my friend's depressed
she's a wreck, she's a mess
they've done all sorts of tests
and they guess it has something
to do with her grandmother's
grandfather's grandmother
civil war soldiers
who badly infected her
my friend has maladies
rickets and allergies
that she dates back to
the seventeenth century
somehow, she manages
in her misery
strips in the city and
shares all her best tricks with
me, well, I'm well
well, I mean, I'm in hell
well, I still have my health
at least that's what they tell me
if wellness is this
what in hell's name is sickness?
but business is business
and business runs in the family
we tend to bruise easily
bad in the blood
I'm telling you 'cause I
just want you to know me
know me and my family
we're wonderful folks
but don't get to close to me
'cause you might knock me up
Mary have mercy
now look what I've done
but don't blame me because
I can't help where I come from
and running is something
that we've always done well
and mostly, I can't even
tell what I'm running from
run from their pity
from responsibility
run from the country and
run from the city
I can run from the law
I can run from myself
I can run for my life
I can run into debt
I can run from it all
I can run 'til I'm gone
I can run from the office
and run from the cause
I can run using every
last ounce of energy
I cannot, I cannot
I cannot run from my family
they're hiding inside of me
corpses on ice
come in if you like
but just don't tell my family
they'll never forgive me
they'd say that I'm crazy
but they would say anything
if it would shut me up
well, I still have my health
at least that's what they tell me
if wellness is this
what in hell's name is sickness?
but business is business
and business runs in the family
we tend to bruise easily
bad in the blood
I'm telling you 'cause I
just want you to know me
know me and my family
we're wonderful folks
but don't get to close to me
'cause you might knock me up
Mary have mercy
now look what I've done
but don't blame me because
I can't help where I come from
and running is something
that we've always done well
and mostly, I can't even
tell what I'm running from
run from their pity
from responsibility
run from the country and
run from the city
I can run from the law
I can run from myself
I can run for my life
I can run into debt
I can run from it all
I can run 'til I'm gone
I can run from the office
and run from the cause
I can run using every
last ounce of energy
I cannot, I cannot
I cannot run from my family
they're hiding inside of me
corpses on ice
come in if you like
but just don't tell my family
they'll never forgive me
they'd say that I'm crazy
but they would say anything
if it would shut me up
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