Strange and beautiful

I can't even press play and face the melody and the instruments and the voice... The only song I've dreaded and feared and stayed completely away from since that time, the only song to completely cut me open and really draw out of me all the memories of all the things that don't exist anymore, and the person I was then and am not now. And the person you were... I... I don't know if you're still him; that beautiful, shy, strange, sweet, trusting, seeing, young boy... But if you are him, you're not showing it to me. I haven't seen who you are in over a year.

How you loved me. And how I loved you to love me. And how I loved you.

This used to be the other way around, didn't it? I don't know if I'll spend the next year waiting for you, or trying with all my mind to stop waiting for you. I don't want to wait. And I don't want to remember. Not when you're not coming back. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do at all.

~

I've been watching your world from afar

I've been trying to be where you are

and I've been secretly falling apart

unseen

to me, you're strange and you're beautiful

you'd be so perfect with me, but you just

can't see, you turn every head, but you don't

see me

I'll put a spell on you

you'll fall asleep

when I put a spell on you

and when I wake you

I'll be the first thing you see

and you'll realize that you love me

sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first

sometimes, the first thing you want never comes

but I know that waiting is all you can do

sometimes

I'll put a spell on you

you'll fall asleep

I'll put a spell on you

and when I wake you

I'll be the first thing you see

and you'll realize that you love me

I'll put a spell on you

you'll fall asleep

'cause I'll put a spell on you

and when I wake you

I'll be the first thing you see

and you'll realize that you love me

Last stop this town

Great train music. Sad.

~

you're dead, but the world keeps spinning
take a spin through the world you left
it's getting dark a little too early
are you missing the dearly bereft?

taking a flight, and you could be here tomorrow
taking a flight, well, you could get here tonight

I'm gonna fly on down
for the last stop to this town
- what?
I'm gonna fly on down
then fly away - well, all right
get down

taking a spin through the neighbourhood
the neighbours scream, "what'cha talking 'bout?"
cause they don't know how to let you in
and I can't let you out

what if I was not your only friend in this world?
can you take me where you're going if you're never coming back?

I'm gonna fly on down
for the last stop to this town
I'm gonna fly on down, then fly away on my way
get down

why don't we take a ride, away, up, high through the neighbourhood?
up, over the billboards and the factories and smoke

I'm gonna fly on down for the last stop to this town
- yeah!
I'm gonna fly on down and fly away on my way
fly away
get down

Border song

Couldn't find a video that wasn't crap. Tom McRae, again, been a while since last time, and then it had REALLY been a while. I guess he just comes along with the sickness. I don't really know. He always makes me think of dark waters and shadow and fire. And streetlights. Dancing. Hidden romances, suddenly lit up by passing cars, flashes on faces, feet, kisses, hands entwined. Pain. Loss. Reflections on the surface of a dark, dirty window. And movement. Up, away...

This is us. And me. And you. And many other stories, belonging to other people. Some of those belong to me as well, though, because I can see, feel and hear those like my own.

~

she lies still
her eyes on fire
undressed to kill
and untethered in time
and in the arms
of a stranger
you search
for someone like her

and the music carries on
in a simple border song
you once knew

people like you
they come and they go
what's left to say
we already know
and we've danced
these shoes to pieces
and we've stood
where no one has stood

and the music carries on
in a simple border song
you once knew

and I guess I've said it all
and I guess I've said it all
you can climb, but you will fall
and I guess I've said it all

you will walk
you will walk
you will walk out of here
you will walk
you will walk
you will walk out of here

and I guess I've said it all
and I guess I've said it all
you can climb, but you will fall
and I guess I've said it all

Another day

This song has been with me for so long. And I still keep it very close. The instruments work together to make something streaming, something to fill me up and flow away. Melancholy and sad little smiles. And a golden, beige-like colour, along with some sunlight and maybe a little bit of grass - or the cold, dead ground, along with a black forest. I'm not sure. But it's pretty.

~

lie to me

say that you need me

that's what I wanna hear

that is what

what makes me happy

hoping you'll be near

all this time

how could I know?

within these walls, I can feel you

another day goes by

will never know - just wonder why

you made me feel good

made me smile

I see it know, and I

can say it's gone - that would be a lie

cannot control this

this thing called love

you must think

how can this be?

you don't really know me

I can tell

this ain't the time

you'll never be mine

what can I say?

something 'bout my life

I just lost again

another day goes by

will never know - just wonder why

you made me feel good

made me smile

I see it know, and I

can say it's gone - that would be a lie

cannot control this

this thing called love

always have to move on

to leave it all behind

going along with time

another day goes by

will never know - just wonder why

you made me feel good

made me smile

I see it know, and I

can say it's gone - that would be a lie

cannot control this

this thing called love

Amanda Fucking Palmer

I've been shuffling through her blog today, reading bits and pieces and looking at the pretty pictures. Found this. I've read it before, and then I forgot it, and now I've found it again. I absolutely loved it when I read it, see. Because I miss feeling like what she describes, when waking up. I miss feeling at peace, happy. I have felt it in the past. But I'm having a hard time remembering when. She's written it so beautifully, and I guess it's kinda cute, too. And so, so true.

~

i often go to blogging in my head upon waking, and i usually never do it, but this morning i reached over and grabbed my mac, it was within arms reach.

morning head: i like this head, when everything is clear and new and things things things start filtering in one by one. first the magic, then the mundane.

i treated myself to this hotel room in portland after lots of relative bed-and-couch crashing.

i move my legs around in the king-size bed, feeling very lucky to exist at all, not knowing anything yet.

left leg works, rubs against sheet.

right leg works, rubs against sheet.

whole body stretches out and feels gloriously enveloped.

things, facts.

i’m in portland.

i don’t have anything to do today but catch up.

i’ll drink coffee.

i love coffee.

the coffee here is good coffee.

this pillow is soft.

i love neil.

his voice sent me off to bed, i remember now.

i remember how.

construction sounds outside.

the blinds are open.

what time is it?

this pillow is soft.

maybe i’ll blog about this.

maybe i’ll sit all day in powell’s bookstore and not work.

maybe i’ll go back to sleep.

because i can.

this pillow is wonderful.

should get a pillow like this.

soft soft pillow.

what would i do with it?

i can’t carry around a pillow like this everywhere.

i live out of a suitcase.

and

that’s the evil moment: that’s when the truth caves things in.

mornings are amazing alone, like this. mornings are also amazing together. there’s that wonderful thing that happens when you’re in love and you wake up next to Them and your brain hasn’t clicked into it’s Self yet and you just become a vessel, a thing that pours love. my instinct, upon waking, to love something. but mornings are amazing alone - the body and the mind can snake around improvisational, making weird things in silence.

then the day comes, the realities materialize, and mundane takes over. the magic might only last twenty seconds, sometimes even less.

used to be when i was home in boston, especially in summer with the sun blazing through the vines in my window, i’d often have this 20 seconds of “i’m going to change my whole existence today” upon waking on an off day where i had nothing planned. i’d lie there in bed: ahhhhhh holy shit, i have nothing to do today…maybe i’ll drive to maine. pick blueberries. see ships. maybe i’ll sit in the boston public library all day and look at 17th century art. maybe i’ll go to harvard and see what it would take to enroll. maybe i’ll learn to play piano. maybe i’ll go work in a soup kitchen.

Etc.

these things would never happen.

i would go to yoga, i would read the paper, and i would spend hours and hours catching up on email and talking on the phone. that is My Life.

this is probably what i will do today.

it’s fine.