Ampersand

I'm not really sure why I haven't posted this song yet. It was my "walking outside and taking in the world, or trying very hard not to" soundtrack during the post-christmas part of the winter this year, and I strongly associate it with lipgloss, dry, creaking snow, yellow streetlights, lying awake(alone, alone, alone) in bed, the way Oslo looks in the winter time, the subway, and trying to find the courage to sing. I've tried for a long time to figure out whether or not these lyrics are mine or if I just reside in them and their intensity and beauty while listening to them, but I can't seem to make up my mind. I don't think I want to live my life on one side of an ampersand, but maybe I sort of do, too. It depends on what it would mean. I do, at least, want to live parts of my life on one side of an ampersand. But I don't want my life to belong to anyone but me anymore. I want to be my own. Which is a good thing, I think.

Anyway. Ampersand is a gorgeous piece, simple and intense, with an original structure - the way the sentences have been split musically and which words are emphasised and so on. I'm a bit too sleepy to explain it, but I write this down mainly for myself and I know that I will understand it when I read it sometime in the future, so I consider it to be an adequate description.

Listening to it again, now, I begin to long for winter.

The title makes me think of the graphic novel called "Y: The Last Man", too, because 1, I was reading it and listening to this at the same time a lot, and 2, one of my favourite characters from the comics is a monkey called Ampersand.

~

I walk down my street at night
the city lights are cold and violent
I am comforted by the
approaching sound of trucks and sirens
even though the world's so bad
these men rush out to help the dying
and though I am no use to them
I do my part by simply smiling

the ghetto boys are cat calling me
as I pull my keys from my pocket
I wonder if this method of courtship
has ever been effective
has any girl in history said,
"sure, you seem so nice, let's get it on"
still, I always shock them when I
answer, "hi, my name's Amanda and

I'm not gonna live my life
on one side of an ampersand
even if I went with you
I'm not the girl you think I am
and I'm not gonna match you
'cause I'll lose my voice completely, no
I'm not gonna watch you
'cause I'm not the one that's crazy"

I have wasted years of my life
agonising about the fires
I started when I thought that to be
strong you must be flame retardant
and now, to trust the wounds goes into
question how authentic they are
there is always someone criticising me
"she just likes playing hospital"

lying in my bed
I remember what you said
"there's no such thing as accidents..."

but you've got the headstones all ready
all carved up and pretty
your sick satisfaction
those his and hers matching
the daisies all push up
and pairs to the horizon
your eyes full of ketchup
it's nice that you're trying
the headstones all ready
all carved up and pretty
your sick satisfaction
those his and hers matching
the daisies all push up
and pairs to the horizon
your eyes full of ketchup
it's nice that you're trying

but I'm not gonna live my life
on one side of an ampersand
even if I went with you
I'm not the girl you think I am
and I'm not gonna match you
'cause I'll lose my voice completely, no
I'm not gonna watch you
'cause I'm not the one that's crazy

as I wake up two o' clock
the fire burned the block, but ironically
stopped at my apartment
and my housemates are all sleeping soundly
and nobody deserves to die
but you were awful adamant
that if I didn't love you, then you
had just one alternative

and I may be romantic
and I may risk my life for it
but I ain't gonna die for you
you know I ain't no uliet
and I'm not gonna watch you
while you burn yourself out, baby
no, I'm not gonna stop you
'cause I'm not the one that's crazy