Suteki da ne

So much beauty, so much delicious peace resides within this song, and so many memories from the time when my dreams were made of hope, and not desperation. Colours I would long for, beauty I wished to posess, landscapes I wished to take in, tools I wished to use, stories I wished to fulfill. Now, there is only thought, loss, and the pain of remembering. Apart from laughter. I still have that, although I no longer laugh from pure joy - only when something is deeply amusing. It is something, though. If I lose that, I will have lost it all. Or most of what matters, anyway. It is so hard to believe that holding on is important. I don't think that belief or trust is what keeps me going at all. It's a sense of duty to the ones I love, a will to try (one that I wish I did not posess, to be honest) and try and try, then try again, and a fear of death too great to give up - although I do find myself longing for absolute silence and stillness a lot, these days. 

I remember recreating the scene where this song first appears, with me in Yuna's place. I remeber wanting to be able to sink through the water, down into it, and float around down there, controlled, balanced, at ease - able to be quite still, or at least slow of movement(here, in our world, we struggle clumsily and resurface too quickly, unable to just sink without dying at the same time), while loving someone and feeling matter all around me, seeing specks of light surround both me and the man in question - a man that, as far as I know, doesn't exist and never will. I dreamed of him none the less. I dreamed of so many men to find me and see in me something of importance. I dreamed of being chosen. I dreamed of being beautiful to another person. I dreamed of mattering. 

So much information resides within me. Sometimes I feel like a Keeper of Terris, burdened with memory and seemingly endless amounts of information. I don't know what to do with it. It will all die along with me. It will have been for nothing. I don't know what to do without faith. I don't know how to regain it without fooling myself. I need proof. I can't live on hope anymore. Not when it keeps being crushed to the ground. Now, I don't even posess any kind of hope that can be crushed. I've lost it all. I've become a creature of chaos and exhaustion.