Om du lämnade mig nu

I found this song in the youtube favourites of a friend of mine while he was getting dressed for a party or something like that. I ended up listening to it again and again and again and again while spinning on his chair and singing along. I've always loved swedish. It's such a precise, tender and beautiful language. And these lyrics are so bittersweet...

~

jag skulle vakna mitt i natten
och gå upp och ta en långpromenad
jag skulle låta blicken möta andra ögon
i en främmande stad
jag skulle inte ha så bråttom med att träffa nån ny
jag har rätt mycket med mig själv, precis som du
jag skulle andas i det tomrum som ble över
om du lämnade mig nu

jag skulle sitta på ett tåg mot Paris
och låta Stockholm va
jag skulle få den tiden över för mig själv
som jag sagt att jag vill ha
jag skulle unna mig at drömma hundra mil genom Europa
om en främling lika tillitsfull som du
jag skulle pröva mina läppar mot nån annan
om du lämnade mig nu

jag skulle kunna leva utan den där blicken
som får mig ur balans
jag skulle sakna den där stunden som vi har
när vi til slut har blivit sams
jag kanske skulle söka upp kontakter som jag tappat
som jag varit med förut nånstans
jag antar det finns nån du skulle ringe
om jag inte fanns

jag kanske skulle leta upp nån yngre
som en fjäder i hatten
det skulle bli för tomt om ingen fanns där
som värmde mig i natten
men jag skulle aldri ha tålmod nog att bli förstådd
ingen känner mig så väl som du
jag skulle fastna i min ensamhet igen
om du lämnade mig nu

~

I would wake up in the middle of the night
and get up and go for a long walk
I would allow my gaze to meet the eyes of others
in an unfamiliar city
I wouldn't be in such a hurry to meet someone new
I'm quite preoccupied with myself, just like you
I would breathe in the empty space left behind
if you left me now

I would sit on a train headed for Paris
and leave Stockholm be
I would get the time to myself
that I've said that I want
I would allow myself to dream a hundred miles through Europe
about a stranger just as trusting as you
I would try my lips against someone else
if you left me now

I would manage to live without that gaze
that always throws me off balance
I would miss that moment we always have
when we finally make up
I would, perhaps, seek out some of the contacts that I've lost
that I've been with before, somewhere
I suppose there's someone you would call
if I didn't exist

I would, perhaps, dig up someone younger
like a feather in my cap
it would get too empty if there were no one there
to keep me warm throughout the night
but I would never have enough patience to be understood
no one knows me as well as you do
I would get stuck to my own loneliness again
if you left me now

All the world is green

I'm having a little trouble finding the words here. Waits has already said everything there is to say and I feel like I'll just be repeating his words. Well, I'll say what comes to mind anyway. This song is very visual to me. It makes me see fields and crops and dew and soft, white skin. I see horizons and wrinkles. I see kindness. I see age. I see a vast, empty green world. I think there's much more on my mind and heart, but it's very late and the most important thing is that I know how I feel myself - not that I'm able to write it down.

~

I fell into the ocean
when you became my wife
I risked it all against the sea
to have a better life
Marie, you are the wild blue sky
and men do foolish things
you turn fools into beggars
and beggars into kings

pretend that you owe me nothing
and all the world is green
we can bring back the old days again
when all the world is green

a face forgives the mirror
a worm forgives the plough
a question begs the answer
can you forgive me somehow?
maybe when our story's over
we'll go where it's always spring
the band is playing our song again
and all the world is green


pretend that you owe me nothing
and all the world is green
help me bring back the old days again
when all the world is green

the moon is yellow silver
all the things that summer brings
it's a love you'd kill for
and all the world is green
he's balancing a diamond
on a blade of grass
the dew will settle on our graves
when all the world is green

pretend that you owe me nothing
and all the world is green
we can bring back the old days again
when all the world is green

he's balancing a diamond
on a blade of grass
the dew will settle on our graves
when all the world is green

Good Will Hunting

I'm far too sleepy to come up with anything good to say about this amazing movie. It touched me deeply. The dialogue was extremely well written. I loved it. I've already seen it one and a half times. Robbie Williams never ceases to amaze me with his acting. The colours were pretty. Will's voice reminds me of Aaron's voice. That's about it.

~

Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?

Will: No.

Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.

Will: Why thank you.

Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.

Will: Nope.

Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "Once more unto the breach, dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath, looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. I look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?

[Will nods]
 

Sean: You think I'd know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that, do you, sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

With or without you

~

see the stone set in your eyes
see the thorn twist in your side
I'll wait for you
slide of hand and twist of fate
on a bed of nails, she makes me wait
and I wait without you
with or without you
with or without you

through the storm we reach the shore
you give it all, but I want more
and I'm waiting for you
with or without you
with or without you
I can't live
with or without you

and you give yourself away
and you give yourself away
and you give
and you give
and you give yourself away

my hands are tied
my body bruised, she got me with
nothing to win and
nothing left to lose

and you give yourself away
and you give yourself away
and you give
and you give
and you give yourself away
with or without you
with or without you
I can't live
with or without you
with or without you
with or without you
I can't live
with or without you
with or without you

Don't stop believing

Oh yes. It's Journey. I do wish I could have posted the original video, though, because it's awesome beyond compare, but... No such luck. The piano intro has to be the greatest thing ever.

~

just a small town girl
living in a lonely world
she took the midnight train, going anywhere
just a city bou
born and raised in south Detroit
he took the midnight train, going anywhere

a singer in a smokey room
a smell of wine and cheap perfume
for a smile they can share the night
it goes on and on and on and on

strangers waiting
up and down the boulevard
their shadows searching
in the night
streetlight people
living just to find emotion
hiding somewhere
in the night

working hard to get my fill
everybody wants a thrill
paying anything to roll the dice just one more time
some will win, some will lose
some were born to sing the blues
oh, the movie never ends
it goes on and on and on and on

strangers waiting
up and down the boulevard
their shadows searching
in the night
streetlight people
living just to find emotion
hiding somewhere
in the night

don't stop believing
hold on to that feeling
streetlight people

don't stop believing
hold on to that feeling
streetlight people

Suteki da ne

So much beauty, so much delicious peace resides within this song, and so many memories from the time when my dreams were made of hope, and not desperation. Colours I would long for, beauty I wished to posess, landscapes I wished to take in, tools I wished to use, stories I wished to fulfill. Now, there is only thought, loss, and the pain of remembering. Apart from laughter. I still have that, although I no longer laugh from pure joy - only when something is deeply amusing. It is something, though. If I lose that, I will have lost it all. Or most of what matters, anyway. It is so hard to believe that holding on is important. I don't think that belief or trust is what keeps me going at all. It's a sense of duty to the ones I love, a will to try (one that I wish I did not posess, to be honest) and try and try, then try again, and a fear of death too great to give up - although I do find myself longing for absolute silence and stillness a lot, these days. 

I remember recreating the scene where this song first appears, with me in Yuna's place. I remeber wanting to be able to sink through the water, down into it, and float around down there, controlled, balanced, at ease - able to be quite still, or at least slow of movement(here, in our world, we struggle clumsily and resurface too quickly, unable to just sink without dying at the same time), while loving someone and feeling matter all around me, seeing specks of light surround both me and the man in question - a man that, as far as I know, doesn't exist and never will. I dreamed of him none the less. I dreamed of so many men to find me and see in me something of importance. I dreamed of being chosen. I dreamed of being beautiful to another person. I dreamed of mattering. 

So much information resides within me. Sometimes I feel like a Keeper of Terris, burdened with memory and seemingly endless amounts of information. I don't know what to do with it. It will all die along with me. It will have been for nothing. I don't know what to do without faith. I don't know how to regain it without fooling myself. I need proof. I can't live on hope anymore. Not when it keeps being crushed to the ground. Now, I don't even posess any kind of hope that can be crushed. I've lost it all. I've become a creature of chaos and exhaustion.

The hospital room

So beautiful...
 

A big ocean, or a snowy field, maybe. Rolling waves. Loneliness at the top of a mountain. A journey unfolding. A sense of purpose, of knowing where you're supposed to be, where you're supposed to end up. Of knowing where you come from. Who you are.

This trumpet in my head

Dark and quiet... The guitar sounds like rain. Lykke Li is the essence of May and June last year, perhaps also a taste of August... My early summer-walks in the woods. My dressing up with pearls and new makeup. My falling in love with a certain someone. The streets, glistening with summer rain. So beautiful.

~

I can't get that trumpet out of my head

can't get that trumpet out of my head

I woke up tonight

can't get that trumpet out of my head

yeah, you say you can't stand me when I'm quiet

so I shot you with my silence

can't get that trumpet out of my head