The closest thing to crazy

Now I know. And I can't take it any longer.

~

how can I think I'm standing strong
yet feel the air beneath my feet?
how can happiness feel so wrong?
how can misery feel so sweet?

how can you let me watch you sleep
then, break my dreams the way you do?
how can I have got in so deep?
why did I fall in love with you?

this is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
feeling twenty two, acting seventeen
this is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known
I was never crazy on my own
and now I know that there's a link between the two:
being close to craziness
and being close to you

how can you make me fall apart
then, break my fall with loving lies?
it's so easy to break a heart
it's so easy to close your eyes

how can you treat me like a child?
yet, like a child, I yearn for you
how can anyone feel so wild?
how can anyone feel so blue?

this is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
feeling twenty two, acting seventeen
this is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known
I was never crazy on my own
and now I know that there's a link between the two:
being close to craziness
and being close to you

The Wee Free Men

One of my favourite books. Beautiful, warm, wise, cute, original, and incredibly funny. Here's a little excerpt. More to come later. Quotes and things.

~

Who was Granny Aching? People would start asking that now. And the answer was: what Granny Aching was, was there. She was always there. It seemed that the lives of all the Achings revolved around Granny Aching. Down in the village decisions were made, things were done, life went on in the knowledge that in her old wheeled shepherding hut on the hills Granny Aching was there, watching.

And she was the silence of the hills. Perhaps that's why she liked Tiffany, in her awkward, hesitant way. Her older sisters chattered, and Granny didn't like noise. Tiffany didn't make noise when she was up at the hut. She just loved being there. She'd watch the buzzards, and listen to the noise of the silence.

It did have a noise, up there. Sounds, voices, animal noises floating up onto the downs, somehow made the silence deep and complex. And Granny Aching wrapped the silence around herself and made room inside it for Tiffany. It was always too busy on the farm. There were a lot of people with a lot to do. There wasn't enough time for silence. But Granny Aching was silent and listened all the time.

The River

This song gives me goosebumps - and I mean that literally. It has to be one of the most tender, heartbreaking, filled-with-love creations in the entire universe. My mind fills up with pictures whenever I listen to it, and the smell of wet rocks and freshwater and leaves. Old houses. Sex. And I get scared, really scared, that my own river will dry up some day. And if you think that sounds cheesy, then fuck you, because it's serious business.

~

I come from down in the valley
where, mister, when you're young
they bring you up to do
like your daddy done
me and Mary, we met in high school
and she was just seventeen
we'd drive out of this valley
down to where fields were green

we'd go down to the river
and into the river, we'd dive
oh, down to the river, we'd ride

then I got mary pregnant
and man, that was all she wrote
and for my nineteenth birthday
I got a union card and a wedding coat
we went down to the courthouse
and the judge put it all to rest
no wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle
no flowers, no wedding dress

that night, we went down to the river
and into the river we dived
oh, down to the river, we did ride

I got a job working construction
for the Johnstown company
but lately, there ain't been much work
on account of the economy
now all them things that seemed so important
well, mister, they vanished right into the air
now, I just act like I don't remember
Mary acts like she don't care

but I remember us riding in my brother's car
her body, tan and wet, down at the reservoir
at night, on them banks, I'd lie awake
and pull her close just to feel each breath she'd take
now, those memories come back to haunt me
they haunt me like a curse
is a dream a lie if it don't come true
or is it something worse

that sends me down to the river
though I know the river is dry?
that sends me down to the river tonight
down to the river
my baby and I
oh, down to the river we'd ride

Silent Hill

Too tired to really come up with a good description. Some of the brilliant, beautiful, creepy music from these wonderful games. They fit the horror so perfectly.

~

he spoke of tortured souls

so outrageous, the toll
you can lose all you have
he refused to give in
to the town that takes all
survive, you must have the will
this movie doesn't end the way we want
all the time, then he shouts at the moon
she's gone, and fear has overcome
he was walking the mile
he was walking alone

four and twenty dead birds
they bleed upon the nest
there was no time for reason
they had no sign of a threat

now, it's too late, too late for me
this town will eventually take me
too late, too late for me
this town will win

"through this fog, they come along;
dark creatures singing a terrible song,"
the rest of the bar laughed at him
only I felt my hope grow dim
they found him dead the very next day
"no more stories from him," I heard them say
we blamed bad luck for his fate
only I felt terror so great

she and he will know
that some day, all things will end

that misty night, that dismal moon
the dead search for their kin
while angels sing in endless dark
the dead seek out sin

Gotta knock a little harder

I love the metaphors used in the lyrics, the intensity and the pictures that appear in my mind when I listen to it. Also, the song is too cool for school. And Mai Yamane is such a fantastic singer.

~

happiness is just a word to me
and it might have meant a thing or two
if I'd known the difference
emptiness, a lonely parody
and my life, another smoking gun
a sign of my indifference

always keeping safe inside
where no one ever had a chance
to penetrate and break in
let me tell you, some have tried
but I would slam the door so tight
that they could never get in

kept my cool under lock and key
and I never shed a tear
another sign of my condition
fear of love or bitter vanity
that kept me on the run
the main events of my confession

I kept a chain upon my door
that would shake the shame of Cain
into a blind submission
the burning ghost without a name
was calling all the same
but I wouldn't listen

the longer I'd stall, the further I'd crawl
the further I'd crawl, the harder I'd fall
I was crawling into the fire

and the more that I saw, the further I'd fall
the further I'd fall, the lower I'd crawl
I kept falling into the fire

suddenly it occured to me
the reason for the run and hide
had totaled my existance
everything left on the other side
could never be much worse than this
but could I go the distance?

I faced the door and all my shame
tearing off each piece of chain
until they were all broken
but no matter how I tried
the other side was locked so tight
the door, it wouldn't open

I gave it all that I've got, started to knock
and shouted for someone to open the lock
I just gotta get through the door
and the more that I knocked, the hotter I got
the hotter I got, the harder I knocked
I just gotta break through the door

gotta knock a little harder
gotta knock a little harder
gotta knock a little harder
break through the door

Breathe me

Sometimes it's enough to say something just once. But mostly, it isn't. So, yeah, I feel like this yet again. And I'm gonna write it down and express it yet again. But not really with my own words. This blog isn't for using my words, it's for stealing other people's words and expressing things with them. Making a sort of map of my emotions and thoughts and moods, things like that. Yeah. Well. Today sucks. The past year, or three quarters of a year, has sucked. This summer sucks. My stomach ache sucks. The stupid conflicts I've landed myself in all suck. And feeling this way, like this helpless little... thing... really sucks.

~

help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
hurt myself again today
and the worst part is there's no one else to blame

be my friend
hold me
wrap me up
unfold me
I am small
and needy
warm me up
and breathe me

ouch, I have lost myself again
lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
yes, I think that I might break
lost myself again and I feel unsafe

be my friend
hold me
wrap me up
unfold me
I am small
and needy
warm me up
and breathe me

Lentil

Breaking my heart. Breaking my world. My all. Goodbye. I think. Maybe. Yes. Now. Trying so hard. I'm so sorry. So, so, sorry. I love you. I love you with all my everything.

Oh my god. Her voice. I can't do this. How can I do this?

~

you were waiting for me, you saw me, adored me
as I wished the whole world would
you would never hurt me, desert me or work me
for all the things you thought you should
you would lick the tears from my eyes when I cried
how I missed you when I was gone
hurt me so to leave you, decieve you, I needed you
I believed in you

oh, I, I never meant to let you down
I'll wait with a stake in my heart
I never meant to put you down
I'm trying not to fall apart

now, all I have is riches and stiches and pictures
but money could never buy what you gave
though my heart is aching and breaking, I'm making
the most of what you send my way
I want just to hold you, unfold you, I told you
I am coming back for you
I know we will be OK, every day
the sun shines a little brighter

oh, I, I never meant to let you down
I'll wait with a stake in my heart
I never meant to put you down
I'm trying not to fall apart
I'm trying not to fall apart

when in the night we'll set a light
I'm wishing with all of my mind

oh, I, I never meant to let you down
I'll wait with a stake in my heart
I never meant to put you down
I'm trying not to fall apart

I can't see New York

And you said... and you did...

Fuck, this hurts so much.

~

from here
no lines are drawn
from here
no lands are owned
thirteen thousand and holding
swallowed
in the purring of her engines
tracking the beacon here
"is there a signal there,
on the other side?"
on the other side?
what do you mean?
side of what things?

and you said
and you did
and you said
and you said you could find me here
and you said
that you would find me even in death
and you said
and you said you'd find me

but I can't see New York
as I'm circling down
through white cloud, falling out, and
I know his lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out, my way out
I can't see New York
as I'm circling down
through white cloud, falling out, and
I know his lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out, my way out of this hunting ground

from here
crystal meth in metres of millions
in the end
all we have, soul blueprint
did we get lost in it?
do we conduct a search for this?
"from the other side,"
from the other side?
what do they mean?
side of what things?

and you said
and you did
and you said
and you said you could find me here
and you said
that you would find me even in death
and you said
and you said you'd find me

but I can't see New York
as I'm circling down
through white cloud, falling out, and
I know his lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out, my way out
I can't see New York
as I'm circling down
through white cloud, falling out, and
I know your lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out, my way out of your hunting ground

you again
it's you again
I can't see, I can't see
New York
from the other side

I hum
from the other side